What does it mean...

Over the past few months, ... well, if I'm being honest, I can't really say that I've been working on figuring out my life, because that would indicate an active, engaged process. And I guess in some ways, that has been the case, but really - and maybe that's something that resonates with you, dear reader - I often feel that life is figuring itself out, and sometimes, at some point, it lets me in on the secrets. Often much, much later. Which is kind of fun, those moments when I go: "O-oooooh...!"

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Anyway. While I might still be catching on, I think it's fair to say that the gap between life happening, and me realizing - at least to some degree - what's going on, has become a bit smaller, allowing me to recognize more and more what I need, and why I'm here, now, in that situation that I'm in.

I'll give you an example: This morning, I was doing my self-love practice that I started doing about a month ago, where I basically sit in front of a mirror, often with my trusted representation of "li'l Jess", and tell myself that I love me, in whatever way that is alive and wants to come through in that moment.

(You should try it! It's not always easy, and a lot of the time I still "check out", but it's really, really powerful and beautiful when I'm there, and I believe it's really making an impact on my life. Just saying.)

So this morning, what I realized pretty much right away was how incredibly tired I am. Not just on a physical level, but on a very... elemental level is the phrase that comes to mind. An exhaustion that goes beyond my body being tired, or my mind, or my emotional being. I said to myself at one point: "I think if I were to fully relax, to fully stop to 'pull it together', I wouldn't be able to open my eyes!"

Sound familiar? If so, I'm sorry. Because while I currently am in the very fortunate, very privileged situation to be in a place where I can allow this feeling to be there, and to sink into it (to some extent, at any rate, because obviously here I am "doing something", "being productive"), I know a lot of you can't. And I know how hard it is. I see you.

This is the part where I give a huge shoutout to my Mom, who's been supporting me over the past few months (not just, but even more so than usual), as well as my Dad, and sister, and so many friends all over the globe - I love you guys. So much. And also to the German healthcare, and social security system. Like, seriously. I know I complain a lot, at times, but I do recognize: I have it pretty darn good, and that's an understatement.

Okay. Back to the story. Sitting there this morning, looking at myself as much as my tired face was allowing me to, stroking my face, my head, I had a moment when I realized: Sometimes I don't even know whose body I'm in. I don't recognize it. Like: Who got those tattoos on my arms?! Are those mine?

There's a condition called Dysmorphia, and I encourage you to do a bit of reading on it (or watch a movie), because a LOT of particularly younger people suffer from it, and it's scary. I want to point out that this is not what I'm talking about, or have been diagnosed with.

Again: It says a lot about how well-protected I am right now to be able to experience these things without falling apart, and I acknowledge that a lot of people don't have that support system. I strongly encourage you to seek help in whatever way, shape or form you can and have access to. There are some incredible resources online, and your local health provider might be able to point you in the directions of groups where you can find support - remember that community is where we can find so much healing. I see you, and I want you to believe this: You deserve to be well. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be cared for, and taken care of. You are loved. Even if you can't feel it, I can promise you this: There is someone who loves you. And there's part of you that loves you, too.

These moments are what I'm talking about when I say "coming home to yourself." The moments when you recognize: This is me. This is what I look like, this is how I feel.

And a lot of the time, these moments may be scary. AND they also provide us with a choice. With a way forward. Whatever that may look like. And that's where the empowerment is.

So when I practice TVM, or offer a yoga session, or a meal made with love - to myself as much as others - that's what I'm going for. To create spaces in which there is safety. In which there is the potential for that moment of: "Oh!! This is me!" - and where that can be there, and felt, and seen, and experienced. Where there's somebody, or something else, to hold that experience. So that, bit by bit, we can allow ourselves more of those moments, more of that realness, and show up in this world in the way we were always meant to.

I want that. Not just for you, but for me, too. I want to live in a world where people can express themselves safely, and truthfully, always. Where we can be at peace with ourselves, and each other. Where we can feel safe with ourselves, and each other. Where we can be truly at home - inside, and out.

Thank you for dreaming with me.